Mental health sigmas are real, alive and - BULLSHIT! There are many people that deal with mental health issues from depression to bipolar disorders and everything in-between. By judging a person based on their mental health diagnosis is like judging a person for having hyperthyroidism.
I have always hated when people judged my cousin for her mental health diagnosis. She deals with enough stress just living with her disorder!
I have seen people attack a dear friend and call her stupid when she is deaf in one ear and suffers from seizure disorder. After a seizure, she is in a mental cloud and have been treated very poorly because of it.
Back to me. I was diagnosed with general anxiety in December of 2014, it hasn't been easy knowing that I am not just sensitive nor do I 'just' get stressed out 'too' easily. My medicine was working wonders; I hadn't suffered from a panic attack in months, and I started seeing a therapist to help with the daily dealings of general anxiety.
BUT something was missing! It was like we were putting together a puzzle and we had enough pieces down that we knew what the picture was, yet, there were enough pieces still missing that we were missing part of the image.
Enter my appointment with the Psychiatrist. I loved him the moment I sat down in his office. "This guy gets me," I thought. His office was full of books on natural treatments and plants and - somehow - his office smelt of peace.
Then, he started talking about being manic.... WHOA!!!
"Ok, doc, you can stop right there," I thought, "I know where this is going and I am NOT bipolar!!!"
I was upset, resistant to the information coming at me. Bipolar disorder. This wasn't something that I had to deal with but that other's dealt with and, in my experience, very poorly. I couldn't be bipolar. That would mean that I should have been medicated for years and that everyone (even me) have missed this diagnosis.
Okay, this was my first visit with a Psychiatrist, so I decided to easy up on myself. Listening to the doctor explain what the manic thought process was like and asking if I every experienced racing thought like what he explained.
I had. Oh, crap. I didn't want to be bipolar. Oh crap!!!! Now I was judging a mental illness that I was being told that I have. Talk about being too hard on myself. I have a mild form, oh good, that meant that I wasn't too crazy. (oh shit, I was judging again.)
Crazy! That is an ugly word. I use it regularly now. I am okay with my diagnosis of Cyclothymia and my medication is helping (although, we are not at that sweet spot, yet). I use the word crazy to explain how I felt before I knew that I had a REAL mental health diagnosis.
I wasn't sure about writing this blog, due to the mental health sigma. Do I want it out there?
I know that people will judge me.
My only brother called me crazy when I told him. It hurts. I don't talk about it with him, so I don't know how he feels. I don't judge because there is a chance that he is dealing with something that we don't understand.
People judge.
People judge me.
I judge others, though I try not to do so harshly.
If we could live in a world of love, judging wouldn't be necessary.
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