Hate

I am angry with myself.
It's more of a habit.

Image by Jim Blob Blann

Why not just blame yourself?
It seams like the thing to do.

Hurting yourself is easy,
When there is no one to stop
Those awful things you say
To yourself.

I remind myself that I am loved;
That must mean that I am worth loving,
                                                        Right?
There is something that nags at my soul.

Hating others is frowned upon, but
Hating yourself is the thing to do.
Everyone says they wish they were
Something else, someone else.

I look in the mirror and wish
That I could see me, instead of
Seeing myself through the eyes of
Others - Others that hate.

Hating others is frowned upon, but
Hating differences is the thing to do.
I am different, can you love me?
I blame myself for not being the same.

"Niki" part 3

http://melanieann1226.blogspot.com/2011/02/niki.html - Part 1
http://melanieann1226.blogspot.com/2011/02/niki-part-2.html - Part 2

With that one word, I heard forks drop as everyone turned to look at me. The steam from the corn drifted off into the wind and I felt utterly exposed. Everyone knew that I sent Jason to jail and that he deserved it for terrorizing me the way that he did.
I felt like I was in the middle of a horror movie, a bad one, last summer. It even sounds like a bad horror movie. He stalked me; when he found me, he beat me senseless; he was a piece of shit. Now he was out of jail. Less than a year. He spent less than a year locked up after tormenting me for two years. Yeah, it seamed fair. I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't want them to look at me the way that they were right now.
"Jason."
"Jason!"
"Jason?"
"What do you mean, he is back?"
Anna looked a bit scared. I'm not sure if she acts so protective over me because she introduced me to Jason or because she was the one that told me not to get to police involved. She was the one that knew him and said that he just loses his temper.
I don't blame anyone. I didn't even what them to know. I just want to sit quietly and look at the water. Why am I here at the cabin.
"I mean that when we all get back to town, he is out of jail."
Questions. Everyone came at me with questions, some rhetorical, most asking what I was going to do.
"What am I going to do?!?!"
Again. I stop everyone.
"This is shit! I'm not going to do anything! I moved on. I'm okay now. WHY would I DO anything?"
Screaming at the end, really put a stop to the friendly dinner.
"I'm going inside. To be alone. And no I'm not hungry!"
I never mean to take things out on my friends, the only family that I have, but they are there and cannot possibly understand. They don't get what I've gone through, but they still care. I don't know how to handle this news, so I can't expect them to understand.
I walked toward the cabin, when I didn't stop I heard everyone start talking again. At first it was low murmuring. But as my feet started to get damp from the evening dew on the grass I heard someone laugh. I was thankful that they were not going to spent the night talking about poor little Niki. I saw the evening star in the navy sky and closed my eyes to make a wish.

a sestina: "Understanding love"

How do I know that I love you?
It is unbearable for me to look inside.
But, I have this feeling that bubbles up,
Whenever you are near.
This is hard for me to explain or even understand,
With as much as I don't know, I'm certain that this is love.

Every part of my being screams of my love,
And the name of my love belongs to you.
Still, my actions can be cold, cruel and not easy to understand.
I may pride myself in expression, but this I keep locked inside.
The explanation of this enigma finds itself near,
Yet my tongue gets tired and I give up.

The confusion sets in, as feelings and actions get mixed up.
You have every right to question my love.
I fight myself, me feelings, my actions and whenever you are near
I make an effort to fight with you.
Everything gets so distorted and disfigured inside.
We suffer from the reaction of my mind's rejection of what it cannot understand.

I fight with myself, with you, with my feelings just trying to understand.
So often I get tired of trying and just want to give up,
And yet, I don't because I feel love for you inside.
I remember the moment I realized that you are the one that I love.
We took some time to figure out the world and I lost you.
It was so very clique; you left when I wanted you to be near.

How could I have known, that the whole time you wanted to hold me near?
I drew away even more because I just couldn't understand
That you needed me and I needed you.
We were damaged, broken and fed up,
As it had happened in the past, we were, again, failing in love.
Pushing on with guarded hearts, we struggled inside.

I fight with you when I am actually fighting a war inside
And all I can hope for is that the end of the was is near.
Its time for me to look to myself and learn to love.
I'm starting to get it, to understand,
When I push and hide, when I give up,
It is me that need love, because it has always been easy to love you.

I think that the love I wanted to hide inside
Was always waiting for you to be near.
Its time for me to understand that loving you means never giving up.


A sestina is a complex French verse that contains a specific pattern of word repetition. For more info on sestinas: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/learning/glossary-term.html?term=Sestina