"Missing you"

 This sucks

I miss you

 The world isnt the same without you

There are so many things I want to share

 But you are gone 

All I want is to complain about bad drivers with you

 And go to the movies

  Together

I miss you

 This sucks

My world is less without you

 I would text you that I still loved you

Again 

 You would laugh

It would be so us

Words

When the words won't come

What do you do?

Do you sit and write nonsense?

Or is it time to break free?

"McGuire" a poem

You had kind eyes
I will always remember that

You left us before we could say goodbye
So we shout it into the heavens

You towered over us, in a protective stance
I always felt safe with you

You made friends with everyone that you met
Because they couldn't help but want to know you better

I knew you

Sitting and vaping
With a smile that could warm the sun

I knew you

Kind and generous
With a touch of snark

I knew you like only I could
I loved you the same

You were my rock
You were
You

There is nothing now but your memories and love 
What a great gift to leave us with

I knew you

And for that I am thankful

The Beginning of my Bariatric Journey

    Once upon a time, I was a fat kid. I grew up to be a fat adult. Now, I hate the word fat! It does tend to grab people's attentions though. So, now that I have your attention, here is my story....

    When I was about 10, I remember feeling overweight for the first time. I thought of myself as "fat" sometime around the age of 12. I remember shopping with my mother, she would encourage me to get clothes that were too large. That way they would hide the shape of my body. I also remember falling down the front stairs to the school and only thinking that it happened because I was overweight. Mostly I didn't see other girls that looked like me. I was different and in middle school that is the worse thing that you could be. 

That was right before the accident.

    My father was driving and I was in the back seat with my lap belt on. We were hit right behind where I was sitting. The car spun wildly. I was pushed into the seat next to me. I herniated 2 discs in my lower back. Then, I went to the doctor. He told me to stop all physical activities: no dance classes, bike riding, roller skating, running, jumping, etc. I was miserable and began to associate physical activity with pain. 

    As I got older my weight creeped up. By the time I reached high school, I knew that I had to do something. So, I began to exercise regularly and eat less (not better, just less). Things were looking up for me and my health, until I started college and became very depressed and withdrawn. I stopped losing weight and started slowly gaining again. 

    When I was 21, I was in another car accident. Again, I wasn't driving and all those old fears creeped back up into my life. I was lost. And then, to totally screw things up for me physically, I was in a work-related accident and hurt my lower back bad. 

    I knew that I needed to make some major changes though. I started eating a diet of fresh food, completely preservative free. I lost about 20 pounds. I was doing great and was at my lowest weight in my adult life. 

    I was feeling great. I was looking great. Then I got pregnant with my daughter. During the pregnancy I gained 100+ pounds. I was happy to be having a baby, not so happy with reaching over 300 pounds. 

    After having my beautiful daughter, my weight went up and down for 7 years. I was struggling tremendously. At first, I was in denial about my weight. I had lost a good 40 pounds the first few months of my daughter's life and thought that the weight would continue to come off. 

    As a mom, I worked really hard on my body image and accepting myself. I knew that I was a beautiful person, but started sinking into depression. Postpartum depression is very serious and real. I had to climb out of another hole created by depression. This time, I was focused on my daughter. I knew that I had to get through the postpartum depression and not climb further down the rabbit hole.

    As my daughter grew up, I taught her to love herself and created a body positive environment in our household. All while struggling myself. I felt huge. My health started slipping; starting with my cholesterol. My blood work showed that I was on the edge of having high bad cholesterol and low good cholesterol. That only got worse with time. My blood pressure was creeping up, too. I started taking medication for it. It was around this time that I was diagnosed with Bipolar II and started to medicate for my depression and mood swings. 

    Then I discovered Beachbody, and went full throttle into bettering myself and losing weight. The 21 Day Fix was the program and it was great, until I hurt my ankle and couldn't continue exercising. 

    Shortly after my limited success with The 21 Day Fix, my whole world was turned upside-down. My long term partner and I broke up and the depression started to creep up. I fought hard to keep up with a healthy diet. I didn't succeed. It was hard not having my daughter with me all the time. But, the biggest issue that I faced was cooking for myself. Takeout was just more convenient and so much easier. Why cook when there are so many fast food places right down the street? So, I took the "easy" way out and the results were a 20 pound weight gain. 

    Fast forward through some financial issues and I found myself living with my parents again. Their house is always full of food and snacks. Sugar was readily available and hard to say no to. I gained another 20 pounds there. 

    Once I moved out I had goals to take better care of myself. It was hard at first. Then, COVID-19 hit - hard. I lost my job and was stuck in the house. Takeout was the answer, yet again. I gained another 30 pounds while unemployed. I was at my highest weight ever. I was even at a higher weight than when I was pregnant. 

    This was when my Doctor told me that I had to do something drastic. I listened and went to the bariatric clinic. It would take a year of appointments to get to my surgery, but I was ready. It was at this very moment in time that I was diagnosed with Diabetes. 

    Most insurance companies require 3-6 months to qualify for surgery. Mine took a year. It made things very real for me. As I struggled to lose any weight, I did manage not to continue gaining. That meant a lot to me, but I had a lot to learn and even more to do. 

    Fast forward a year and many (many) doctors appointments and here I am 5 days out from my surgery and losing weight fast. 

"The Process of being Me"

Today, I am the other me, the one that is sore, sour, and sorry. 

Yesterday, I was another me, one that is busy and busting my ass. 

Tomorrow, I will be yet another me. 

The process of being me is complicated and easy, all at the same time. 

Keeping up with who I am on any given day is complicated.

Don't do that. 

But knowing my heart and soul is easy, if you try.

The process of being me is my own internal battle. 

I am waging war with the negativity that lingers in my heart and soul. 

Anger and pessimism: that was the me of years gone by....

My heart and soul crave love, peace, and harmony. 

"untitled”

 

I want to write a poem about the most beautiful woman I know. But thoughts of her lips always get in the way. Her heart lights the way through my darkness. But memories of her touch haunt my mind. A beautiful soul that smells of flowers. I can't put to words all that is her beauty. When my heart beats faster my words fail me. "I love you" seems small. But what words are big enough to describe how I feel?

"5:55am"

 In the morning, before the sun comes up, I sit in wonder. In awe of all the things my life is and has become. In the mindset to place my thoughts into the world. Interesting thoughts? No, introspective! In such a way, that I can't help but feel creative and inspired. Instead, I pause; I freeze; I over think and second guess. In words, my thoughts know no bounds, yet, I am bound by the words. In the morning, before the sun comes up, I sit and write.

"writing"

 I'm writing again

I am writing again

Again, I am writing

 I am writing

What does it mean to put words down on paper?

This isn't paper

Type. Type. Type.

 The type of words that inspire

Intriguingly vage

Purposely obtuse

I am writing...

 Again!

"Flower"

 Opening my love, a flower

Calling to the bees
Come to me, My love
Come to me and give me purpose
Give me pleasure
I'll give you food for your soul
Dance for me, my love
Show me your passion and direction
Hum your song, my love
Whisper your sweet summer song to me

"When you come to bed"

 

I slide over when you come to bed
Sometimes missing the days I was the only one here
Mostly I like the way you reach for me in your sleep
Making room for you hadn't always been easy
I know that you have been worth it
More than gold and dimonds
Most of all you make me happy
I feel a lightness in my soul
Your music sweeps over me
I am at home in your love
Making room for you has brought joy to my life
A spring appeared in my step
I am ready to face the world with you by my side
Open my mind, my heart, my essence
I slide over when you come to bed

"COVID-19"

We didn't do this to ourselves. We weren't the ones that lit the fire. We were victims. Victims of the world. But the blame now lays in our careless hands. Idiots with power, sitting idlely by. They watched people die, then spoke up. Too little, too late. My anger grows staring at my walls. Four walls that close in on me everyday. Our children will not forget. Our children should not forgive. We distorted the truth and now we sit, hiding. The world has other plans. Earth mother healing herself each passing day. We are trapped by our own arrogance. Passively living in our own shit. Asking when it will be over. Wondering how to stop it. We are the cause, the reason, the piece of the puzzle that went missing. It was a disaster. How do we clean up this mess?

"On my way"

Without a sense of who I am
I wake up everyday
Lost and confused
I'm on my way

I've grown into a woman
With a child trapped
Inside I cry out
I'm on my way

Teachers that didn't know
Children that needed more
Growing on their own
I'm on my way

The future holds
Something bright
For now we say
I'm on my way

"Song in B Flat"

Kick me under the table all you want/I won't shut up//Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty/Thank you consequence/Thank you thank you silence//squint your eyes and look closer/I'm not between you and your ambition//I'll be your best friend, and you'll be mine//Maybe we'll make something/But me myself I got nothing to prove//The morning rain clouds up my window, and I can't see at all/And even if I could it'd all be grey, but your picture on my wall/It reminds me that it's not so bad, it's not so bad//It starts in my toes, and I crinkle my nose/Where ever it goes I always know/That you make me smile, please, stay for a while now/Just take your time wherever you go//Oh, it's evil, babe, the way you let your grace/Enrapture me

"Beating heart"

I cannot listen
It gets too loud

It will not stop
Goes on and on

Forever is such a long time

Going round and round
Circling through crimson walls

Blood flowing
Thumping a beat

A song in my heart
It cannot end

It will not end
It should not end

She will keep it in her heart
And forever

"face"

You memorized my face
I memorized your eyes

The way he looked at me
And saw me, the real me

I felt the love in those eyes
Long before the words came

"Difficult Love"

What is it that I gave you, that you think you can keep?
How is it so easy for you to think,
   that I would go quietly into the night?
I am a woman, not to be trifled with...
   not that you could ever see that.
What is it that you took, that you think I would not want back?
I stand before you with empty hands,
  and you keep taking.
My soul weeps for you,
  and you keep taking.
What did you want from me, that you thought I would let you keep?

"my love'

singular line
fire burning
heart beats

for you are not me
and i cannot be you

real passion
fire burning
girl lost

for you do not love me
and i cannot love you

crimson hands
dried with blood
girl was dead

for you cling to death
and i cannot continue

“Untitled”

Bitter ice forms on my heart

It’s been Broken Used Beaten

I know not your love

Never will I know your embrace

I’ve seen hope

It glitters in the sun

But it crashes into you

I’m afraid to show my heart

Frozen in time

Terrified that you might 

Hold the key

I know not your love

Yet your heat roars

Melting my heart

Ice falls away

But it crashes to the ground

You know my love

Yet it’s not enough

I am not broken

But I am not whole

I am chaos 

Eternal sunlight

Farther away I slip

A dream world of love

Hating my glances

They give me away

I do not love in a traditional way

I am driven by a primal instinct

Love. 

Confusion sets in

I am covered

Admission of this would break us

Continuing in our dance

It’s the only thing I know

If I could get it out

I would soar above

Hope would rain from the sky

My heart cannot break again

I could never take the pain

But I put myself in harms way 

And hope to fall in love

“Sweet Sorrow”

Sweet sorrow
         Knowing
    Tomorrow
Holding your heart
   is like bottling sunlight
Sweet sorrow
         Knowing
     Today
Loving your soul
   is like taming a wild beast

"How do I love you"

How do I love you?
With mind,
With heart,
With body,
With soul.
I love you with
everything that I have.