Words

When the words won't come

What do you do?

Do you sit and write nonsense?

Or is it time to break free?

"McGuire" a poem

You had kind eyes
I will always remember that

You left us before we could say goodbye
So we shout it into the heavens

You towered over us, in a protective stance
I always felt safe with you

You made friends with everyone that you met
Because they couldn't help but want to know you better

I knew you

Sitting and vaping
With a smile that could warm the sun

I knew you

Kind and generous
With a touch of snark

I knew you like only I could
I loved you the same

You were my rock
You were
You

There is nothing now but your memories and love 
What a great gift to leave us with

I knew you

And for that I am thankful

The Beginning of my Bariatric Journey

    Once upon a time, I was a fat kid. I grew up to be a fat adult. Now, I hate the word fat! It does tend to grab people's attentions though. So, now that I have your attention, here is my story....

    When I was about 10, I remember feeling overweight for the first time. I thought of myself as "fat" sometime around the age of 12. I remember shopping with my mother, she would encourage me to get clothes that were too large. That way they would hide the shape of my body. I also remember falling down the front stairs to the school and only thinking that it happened because I was overweight. Mostly I didn't see other girls that looked like me. I was different and in middle school that is the worse thing that you could be. 

That was right before the accident.

    My father was driving and I was in the back seat with my lap belt on. We were hit right behind where I was sitting. The car spun wildly. I was pushed into the seat next to me. I herniated 2 discs in my lower back. Then, I went to the doctor. He told me to stop all physical activities: no dance classes, bike riding, roller skating, running, jumping, etc. I was miserable and began to associate physical activity with pain. 

    As I got older my weight creeped up. By the time I reached high school, I knew that I had to do something. So, I began to exercise regularly and eat less (not better, just less). Things were looking up for me and my health, until I started college and became very depressed and withdrawn. I stopped losing weight and started slowly gaining again. 

    When I was 21, I was in another car accident. Again, I wasn't driving and all those old fears creeped back up into my life. I was lost. And then, to totally screw things up for me physically, I was in a work-related accident and hurt my lower back bad. 

    I knew that I needed to make some major changes though. I started eating a diet of fresh food, completely preservative free. I lost about 20 pounds. I was doing great and was at my lowest weight in my adult life. 

    I was feeling great. I was looking great. Then I got pregnant with my daughter. During the pregnancy I gained 100+ pounds. I was happy to be having a baby, not so happy with reaching over 300 pounds. 

    After having my beautiful daughter, my weight went up and down for 7 years. I was struggling tremendously. At first, I was in denial about my weight. I had lost a good 40 pounds the first few months of my daughter's life and thought that the weight would continue to come off. 

    As a mom, I worked really hard on my body image and accepting myself. I knew that I was a beautiful person, but started sinking into depression. Postpartum depression is very serious and real. I had to climb out of another hole created by depression. This time, I was focused on my daughter. I knew that I had to get through the postpartum depression and not climb further down the rabbit hole.

    As my daughter grew up, I taught her to love herself and created a body positive environment in our household. All while struggling myself. I felt huge. My health started slipping; starting with my cholesterol. My blood work showed that I was on the edge of having high bad cholesterol and low good cholesterol. That only got worse with time. My blood pressure was creeping up, too. I started taking medication for it. It was around this time that I was diagnosed with Bipolar II and started to medicate for my depression and mood swings. 

    Then I discovered Beachbody, and went full throttle into bettering myself and losing weight. The 21 Day Fix was the program and it was great, until I hurt my ankle and couldn't continue exercising. 

    Shortly after my limited success with The 21 Day Fix, my whole world was turned upside-down. My long term partner and I broke up and the depression started to creep up. I fought hard to keep up with a healthy diet. I didn't succeed. It was hard not having my daughter with me all the time. But, the biggest issue that I faced was cooking for myself. Takeout was just more convenient and so much easier. Why cook when there are so many fast food places right down the street? So, I took the "easy" way out and the results were a 20 pound weight gain. 

    Fast forward through some financial issues and I found myself living with my parents again. Their house is always full of food and snacks. Sugar was readily available and hard to say no to. I gained another 20 pounds there. 

    Once I moved out I had goals to take better care of myself. It was hard at first. Then, COVID-19 hit - hard. I lost my job and was stuck in the house. Takeout was the answer, yet again. I gained another 30 pounds while unemployed. I was at my highest weight ever. I was even at a higher weight than when I was pregnant. 

    This was when my Doctor told me that I had to do something drastic. I listened and went to the bariatric clinic. It would take a year of appointments to get to my surgery, but I was ready. It was at this very moment in time that I was diagnosed with Diabetes. 

    Most insurance companies require 3-6 months to qualify for surgery. Mine took a year. It made things very real for me. As I struggled to lose any weight, I did manage not to continue gaining. That meant a lot to me, but I had a lot to learn and even more to do. 

    Fast forward a year and many (many) doctors appointments and here I am 5 days out from my surgery and losing weight fast.