Nov 7, 2016

Nikki and Dr. Smalls

She rolled over and closed her eyes again, as if five more minutes in bed would make a difference. Stretching, Nikki shook the sleep off her bones. She stood tall in the mirror that hung on the back of her door, admiring her naked body before jumping into the shower. Echoes of her singing floated into the bedroom but her thoughts floated to a new car.

Shiny and silver with a dashboard that lights up like a Christmas tree.

Nikki closed her eyes against tears as she thought of the bus. One of her first memories was of her mother and her on the nocuous bus. Her mother was a bus rider, but not her. Not Nikki. Oh, she rode the bus when she had to, but her feet took her where she needed to go. 

It was the bus that took her to her fateful visit to Dr. Smalls’ office.

“What?!?” Nikki, blinked as the fluorescent bulb swirled above her.

The doctor smiled weakly and remained calm, “there isn’t anyone that you can call?”

“Did you say 24 hours?” she was dizzy and confused.

Dr. Smalls smile faded completely, “yes, I’m sorry. It is pushing on your optical nerve already.”

Nikki cried out, “but I’m 24!”

“I know, dear, I’ve seen you since you were a baby.”

“I am NOT my mother!”

Nikki got up and slammed the door to the examining room. She grabbed her coat and ran to the bus stop. 

She nearly didn’t see the man standing at the bus stop, “optical nerve,” the doctors voice whispered in her ear. 

“You look like you could use a wish,” he bellowed. 

Nikki broke out in tears.

“Hey, I was just kidding!” and with that the man walked away.

Her phone buzzed again. She had never turned off the silence function after she left the doctor’s office. 

“Hi, this is Dr. Smalls. You ran out before I could tell you…” the phone beeped as the message ended.

Nikki had just about enough of her good doctor.

Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. 

Another message, “listen Nikki, I don’t feel… comfortable talking about this on the phone. But there is an option for you. We can meet for coffee and talk tonight.”

Nikki scoffed, then called the doctor. 

She ordered a hot chocolate with extra cinnamon. Though she’d never admit it, she preferred the chocolate beverage to the all too adult coffee anytime. Sitting with her back to the wall she picked a table in the back under a small light fixture. 

Dr. Smalls saw her as he walked in the door, right past the counter and straight for her table. She had walked out of his office before he could tell her that her scheduled for surgery, first thing, the next morning. 

Jumping up in her seat, Nikki, spilt a bit of her coffee on her lap. A cure, how did she miss that part. The doctor was still talking.


“But you do understand that you will lose your sight…”

Sep 9, 2016

Girl lost

I am working really hard at my most important project to date. Finding myself. I know how I got lost... Where I got lost... When I got lost... But none of that matters. I cannot find myself there. That moment in time only exists in my mind. Sigh.

Who am I? I am so much more than I was ten years ago when I was last finding myself. And I am completely transformed from the girl I was 20 years ago. I always answer this question with my titles... I am a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend.... But those words can describe so many people. Who am I???

I feel like a liar when I say that I am a writer, but I have been paid to write and published with ink on paper. I am a writer, though, damn it.... Oh! I am not angry at anyone but myself for selling myself short on so many things.

I feel like a liar when I think about myself... I am really lost inside of the day-to-day business that I've thrown myself into........

Who am I? Some people know the answer to this question and they know that I am lost... But not too far away. I hope to find myself soon.

"Forgotten words"

Forgotten words sweep across an empty page.
I am too close to reality to understand the significance of my life.
Too close to what is really happening to see it for what it is.
A collage of moments.
A montage of little importance.
Sweet memories created to forget.
Life is what happens to us while we are trying to live.
I am trying to live and use these words to create some meaning.
Meaning is in the eye of the beholder.
There are no sides to the truth because it is round.
Reality is a sphere with no surface for clinging.
The page is less empty but the words will soon be forgotten.

Aug 16, 2016

"Nearly New Life"

How do you write when there are no words left?
How can you find the image of what your heart can no longer feel?

Starting over is a precious and peculiar process that requires a stronger heart.

How do you breath when you've been holding your breath?
How can you see what has been in front of your face for years?

Redefining yourself and finding yourself is a trial only for the brave

How do you forgive yourself for being so blind?
How can you forget when it seems like a lifetime?

Creating a nearly new life.

Aug 15, 2016

"Memories"

Light shines through a broken window,
Into a dusty room full of forgotten memories,
Glowing memories that sparkle in the light.

I know this place well,
This was where I loved you.

The light grows dim and fades away,
The room grows dark and unforgiving,
So many memories lost in this empty space.

Aug 11, 2016

Tree

It is difficult to write about all that I am going through. The changes in my life remind me of something. Trees. That is what I feel like, a tree...

Trees are strong, beautiful, powerful, and rooted in the earth.

Trees are misunderstood and taken for granted. They are something that many people just don't notice. Trees are used up and forgotten by many.

------------------------------

I am a tree.
My branches stretch wide towards the sky.
My roots burry far into the earth.
I am larger than life.

I feed the earth and the earth loves me.
My beauty is true.
My stance is firm.
I am amazing.

I stand tall and proud.
My spirit is wild.
My soul is ancient.
I am wonderful.

I am growing and sprouting.
My Spring is now.
My goal is true
I am a tree.

---------------------------------

The thing about trees is that not everyone appreciates them. They complain about the mess they make and say they are ugly, useless things (especially in the winter).  Well, just like the seasons I have gone through a messy fall and ugly winter, but now I am in my spring! My beauty and glory is lost on so many people. I feel sorry for them. To be so closed minded that they cannot see the true nature of a soul like mine.

This analogy wasn't easy for me because I am still growing and changing. I have felt ugly and useless. I had been taken to such a low place and struggled to get out. But I am now free to grow and understand that this has happened before just like a tree. We all go through messy times, ugly time, times of growth and then.... SUMMER! The time to show off how much you have grown.

My summer is coming. I can feel it so very close. I won't stop growing but I will be at my full glory. I know that it will be a long summer, too, as my growth has been true and hardy. That's the thing about trees, there are so many different kinds. My goal is to be an evergreen and keep my glory all year long.

I guess that's enough about trees. I am in such a wonderful place in my life right now and I am grateful to the people that have seen my beauty and strength even through my recent struggles. I don't remember the last time I was this happy and that makes me weep with joy. My life is becoming everything that I imagined it could be and more.

Joy to me, the tree!

Aug 9, 2016

"On the page"

i could never get my feelings on the page

it wasn't right

it was just what's left
leftovers from a better time

i still can't sort through my worlds, my feelings, my experiences
life is funny like that

i could never write about our love

passion was never a problem

it's still not right
and i am left

reaching out in the dark

i no longer search for you

Jul 27, 2016

"Stand in my mind"

You stand in my mind
     Different
   Sweeter
        Kinder
             As I wanted you to be

But this is only in my
      Mind
    Imagination
         Dreams
             Fantasy

You stand in my mind
   As memories fade they start to glow
      Making them better than reality, so

You stand in my mind,
                                   Better.

May 24, 2016

"Untitled"

A broken doll sits in a windowsill.
At the moment there is nothing but sorrow.

Words escape without much thought.
It cannot be done.
It shouldn't be over.

The clock is still ticking.
Tick-tock.

In pain nothing makes sense.
Scrambled signals between a brain and heart.
It shouldn't be over.

When the doll fixes herself.
You've witnessed a miracle.

It's all a mess.
Words all over the page.
I can't be over.

The clock stops every moment.
Just for a second.

Time stands still.
There you can find love.

In between the moments.

A doll sits on the windowsill.
Listening for the pauses.
Tick....
Tock....

Love it there.
You just need to know where to look.

"The Fabulous Miss. L & her Paper Doll"

Photo by tamsplayground
She is a whispy, willowy thing, practically transparent
She looks like she could float off in the breeze
But she is willful and pungent
Completely full of spunk and Miss. L loves her so

They are a fabulous duo
making the world better
with their grace and elegance

Separated by ignorance.
Will Miss. L ever know how much her paper doll loves her?

A woman made of paper is easy to see through.
Everything that she does is for her little L.
Her whole world torn by ignorance.

Miss. L is fabulous because of the love of her paper doll.
The two of them would take the world by storm,
Nothing would be the same.

In a fairytale I would tell of the Miss. L and her paper doll,
In the world a paper doll couldn't survive alone.

But I believe in miracles. Because I have seen a paper doll without her little girl.
She survives and thrives, without her heart, and Miss. L, well, she owns the dolls heart without knowing it.

The story of the fabulous Miss. L and her paper doll should have been beautiful,
But it is one of sorrow and ripped paper.

Changes

I have never been a fan of change. It is often forced and painful. But when we choose to change and rise above the stigma of change, we grow.

I am going through a major change in my life. A relationship of 9 years, over....
 Living on my own for the first time in 35 years....
A chance to grow and be the me that's more me than I've ever been.

I have been living a life full of expectations and being the self that I thought I should be. I am going to a place where the only expectations are my own and I don't have to be anything.

I will always be me. But in my life I have never just been Melanie. The woman. The amazing soul with something worth giving to the world.

I have been so much for so many people and now.... Now I can be me for me.

It is terrifying!

I know that I am ready for this change and chance to grow, but the process is scary. To be alone is my biggest fear. I let that fear turn me into something that I was not. I let that fear tear my life apart. I allowed fear to run my life. There is no one to blame for this but myself. I am ready for the change.

But to say goodbye to my life...
I am torn.

I had dreams and plans in this life. Now it is over. I have a new life ahead of me and again, I am terrified. I don't know what it will look like or who I will be when all is said and done. I don't like unknowns.

I like to plan things out and have dreams. All I can think about now is surviving. I know that is the fear and I need to nip it in the bud.

I am saying goodbye to my dream life that wasn't going to happen because I was living in fear. I am saying goodbye to someone that I loved for what seemed like my whole life. I am saying goodbye to expectations. And I will say goodbye to fear.

Changes are terrifying and wonderful. I am ready to grow. I can't wait to see where life will take me next.

"Storm"

There is a storm.
Inside. 
I feel it coming. 
Raging against logic.

Emotions.
Tearing at my heart.
My soul weaps. 

There is a storm.
Inside. 
Coming. 

Confusion sets in. 
It begins to rain.
My soul weaps.

There is a storm.
Here. 
Inside. 

Mar 7, 2016

"Little tear drops"

Little drops of dew fall from a pedal sweet.
I wake crying and my day crashes open.

Little rain drops fall across the window pane.
I spend the afternoon counting my tears.

Little drips fall from my sink's faucet.
I cry with dignity and pride.

My tears are not for you,
But are mine.

I may cry over something lost or found.
I may cry because I am happy or angry.

Little tear drops fall like memories down my face,
And I am not ashamed or willing to hide them.

I am proud of my tear drops,
I can cry.

Emotions and pain,
Tears and joy,

My tools for dealing with this world.
My ability to fight against monotony.

Don't cry for me and my little tear drops,
They are not sad or pained.

Little tear drops fall from my face,
And I can feel again.

Feb 21, 2016

About pain and food.

My pain radates throughout my body. The right side of my body screams with pain. Some days are worse than others. Today is a bad day. So, what does one do?

Today, being Sunday, I was able to rest/sleep and ice my sore spots on and off all day. But there are days, when it is unbearably and I have so much to day. These are the days when I am in a very bad mood.

I can't shake this feeling that my body hates me. Again.

There was a sweet spot when I was able to walk a couple of miles or workout along with my favorite video. I felt better about myself, as a person and my body as the vessel for my being. I began to understand that my body didn't hate me, but hated what I did to it.

Food.

Feb 6, 2016

The power of thought and fruit


"What you resist persists," stop and just let that sink in. Carl Jung was either being brilliant or rediculous when he said this. 

Our thought have power. Wait! Our thoughts have power? How? No, this must be bullshit. 

I call malarkey.  

If I think of a banana right now, a banana won't materialize out of thin air and neither will money, love, or x,y,z. 

However....

If I think of a banana for 5 minutes a day for a week, what do you think my chances of going to a grocery store and NOT buying bananas are? 

Seriously, obsessing over the negatives in your life is like trying not to buy bananas. If this blog is resonating with you at all or if you are hungry, right now, I bet that you are thinking about bananas.  

Go ahead, try not to think about a bright yellow banana, sweet and tender. 

I dare you!!!!

Double dog dare you!!!!

Negative thoughts are like not thinking about bananas. Once you get them stuck in your head they pop up whenever they want to. In a meeting - banana! In the shower - banana! Driving home from work - banana! 

These negative thoughts are just thoughts, though. Just like thinking about bananas isn't the same as holding a ripe banana in your hand, but I bet that thinking leads to doing. In this case you are probably going to be buying or eating a banana really soon. 

Thinking leads to actions. It's the same with any thought. 

Positive thoughts lead to positive actions. 

Negative thought lead to negative actions. 

What makes this concept so hard to grasp? "What you resist persists!" Resisting something takes a lot of thought and effort. Try not to think about a banana! 

Damn it!

I'm trying to keep you from thinking, buying and eating bananas here. I am failing. 

Resisting something takes energy. Energy is a constant it is neither created nor destroyed. Resisting something takes energy from you and puts it out into the universe. This energy will bounce back at you, at some point.  

Who did I lose? This isn't easy: this isn't hard. Try not to think about a banana, but do so because you want an orange. 

Ah!

Resisting needs to be countered. To stop the negative thoughts, replace them with what you want/need. Think of oranges, the sweet and almost sticky smell. Think of the smooth but ruff skin that is thick and protective. Think of the juicy, tangy, sugary flesh that explodes when you bite into it. 

What is a banana again? 

By replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts, you can open the world for yourself. 

Your thoughts lead your actions. Remember this and go get some fruit. 

Jan 29, 2016

Judging and Mental Health Sigmas

My life has been rocked. The news that I received just two months ago changed the way that I look at myself and the world around me.

Mental health sigmas are real, alive and - BULLSHIT! There are many people that deal with mental health issues from depression to bipolar disorders and everything in-between. By judging a person based on their mental health diagnosis is like judging a person for having hyperthyroidism. 

I have always hated when people judged my cousin for her mental health diagnosis. She deals with enough stress just living with her disorder! 

I have seen people attack a dear friend and call her stupid when she is deaf in one ear and suffers from seizure disorder. After a seizure, she is in a mental cloud and have been treated very poorly because of it.

Jan 5, 2016

"The cavern"

Dark, damp, echoing
A cavern dripping with sentiment 
     and confusion 
Edges raw, scarred

Cold rushes from deep below
Eternal fathoms

Dark, damp, echoing
A place soaked with emotion
      and solitude
Freedom come from a small opening 

Searching and grasping
I find my way